Yesterday I went to the gym after work. I was so proud of myself! I went on the rower for five minutes, the eliiptical for 10, the treadmill for 15 and the bike for 10 for an even 40 minutes of cardio, then I did some toning with the machines. I lifted 14kgs on the tricep lift thingy, and my leg presses were the 6th plate (I don't know how much each plate weighs, must check that). I felt so much fitter and stronger after that visit because I had done something positive for my fitness.
Then today, I got new scales. I thought I had lost 11kgs all up for a current weight of 113.3; the new scales tell me I weigh 124.6. I am DEVASTATED. I know it means that I originally had a higher weight than 124.8, but I don't know how high it was or how much I have actually lost so far. I have lost weight, and I can actually feel the difference, but it seems so much harder to quantify without the scales. I'm all about concrete evidence and tangible results.
Sigh. I am walking my dog tomorrow (was gonna do it today, but I was too upset and feeling too fat to exercise - logic, huh?). When the boy's mother gets the details of the engagement party, I am going to make the invitations. I am a crafty one.
I want to do a pump class when I am awake early enough one day.
Tea time soon. Argh, this new-scales business has really dropped my mood.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Wish me luck!
It's 5:14am. I've been awake since 3am and couldn't get back to sleep, so.... I'm going to the gym for the first time! There is a circuit class at 0605, so I am going to that. I think. Or maybe I'll just go to the gym to suss it out. Either way I am GOING.
Update: It's now 7:12am and I am back from the gym,eating my protein-rich brekkie. It was both better and worse than I thought. Worse because oh my god, I am SO unfit and could barely do any of the things they were doing. Better because there was a lovely, lovely girl who came up to me, said hi and told me it would be OK. She said she had joined a year ago at 120kgs and now she had won the gym's Body For Life challenge. She also helped me out on some of the trickier moves and gave me little tips to get through it. Thankyou so much, nameless blonde. It's because of you that I will go back again.
The circuit class I did was 45 minutes long, and at the 20 minute mark, I was totally ready to leave. I was hot, sweaty, my pulse was at 160 (not that bad, considering how I felt and that my maximum heart rate is 196) and my muscles were totally fatiguing. But I stayed, and I adapted the moves I couldn't do to ones I could. I made it!
On Thursday I am going to an orientation (because I'm backwards that way) at 10:30, so I can learn to use the machines and things and not look like a doofus falling off the treadmill. Also so I can use the gym for things other than classes. Their timetable is not really convenient to me - most classes I want to do are at 6:05am, and at that time I am either sleeping or at work. Never mind, I can still do them occasionally.
Now I am exhausted and I still have to go to work this arvo.
Update: It's now 7:12am and I am back from the gym,eating my protein-rich brekkie. It was both better and worse than I thought. Worse because oh my god, I am SO unfit and could barely do any of the things they were doing. Better because there was a lovely, lovely girl who came up to me, said hi and told me it would be OK. She said she had joined a year ago at 120kgs and now she had won the gym's Body For Life challenge. She also helped me out on some of the trickier moves and gave me little tips to get through it. Thankyou so much, nameless blonde. It's because of you that I will go back again.
The circuit class I did was 45 minutes long, and at the 20 minute mark, I was totally ready to leave. I was hot, sweaty, my pulse was at 160 (not that bad, considering how I felt and that my maximum heart rate is 196) and my muscles were totally fatiguing. But I stayed, and I adapted the moves I couldn't do to ones I could. I made it!
On Thursday I am going to an orientation (because I'm backwards that way) at 10:30, so I can learn to use the machines and things and not look like a doofus falling off the treadmill. Also so I can use the gym for things other than classes. Their timetable is not really convenient to me - most classes I want to do are at 6:05am, and at that time I am either sleeping or at work. Never mind, I can still do them occasionally.
Now I am exhausted and I still have to go to work this arvo.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
HUGE loss.
This morning I weighed in at 116.4kgs. Since this time last week, I have lost a MASSIVE 8.4kgs! That is bloody gigantic and almost scary!
Although, the reason I had put on that sort of weight was because I was just eating so much crap. I was bound to lose a lot of fluid and some weight early in the piece because of the drastic change in calories and types of food I was eating. Also, after almost three years without a period (Depo-Provera, not a heinous illness), my body decided that it might like to get back to normal and I have just finished a very light TTOM.
All the same - oh my god! If only I could do that every week - in, like, 6 or 7 weeks I'd be thin. Come to think of it, that would be too fast and I couldn't possible keep it off. I wouldn't be able to mentally process the loss either in that time.
It's hot today. I hate, hate, HATE summer.
Although, the reason I had put on that sort of weight was because I was just eating so much crap. I was bound to lose a lot of fluid and some weight early in the piece because of the drastic change in calories and types of food I was eating. Also, after almost three years without a period (Depo-Provera, not a heinous illness), my body decided that it might like to get back to normal and I have just finished a very light TTOM.
All the same - oh my god! If only I could do that every week - in, like, 6 or 7 weeks I'd be thin. Come to think of it, that would be too fast and I couldn't possible keep it off. I wouldn't be able to mentally process the loss either in that time.
It's hot today. I hate, hate, HATE summer.
Walky
I went for a walk today. After a hellish night shift, in which I did not even get to sit down and sort out my charts for the first three hours, I slept until 1:30 then got up. I was totally buggered and went back to bed at 3, getting up again at 4:30. By that time I was full of vim and vigour, and wanted to do something! The poor dog fially got his walk. I only went for a short one, but I did include two little bits of running.
I've had this lung issue lately - the best way I can describe it is that my lungs are itchy. I am coughing occasionally and bringing up some stuff, but it isn't making me feel sick or anything. Running might not have been the best idea though, because I was couughing all through the running bits and my throat felt a bit burny for a while after that. Hang on; gotta go wash the car (I know, totally necessary at 11:40pm, but that's just how I roll).
Right, car's clean. Anyway: because tomorrow is a public holiday here, the bloody gym is only open at crazy hours (like, verrrrry early in the AM). Not. Gonna. Happen. Grrrrr.
I've had this lung issue lately - the best way I can describe it is that my lungs are itchy. I am coughing occasionally and bringing up some stuff, but it isn't making me feel sick or anything. Running might not have been the best idea though, because I was couughing all through the running bits and my throat felt a bit burny for a while after that. Hang on; gotta go wash the car (I know, totally necessary at 11:40pm, but that's just how I roll).
Right, car's clean. Anyway: because tomorrow is a public holiday here, the bloody gym is only open at crazy hours (like, verrrrry early in the AM). Not. Gonna. Happen. Grrrrr.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Today
I HATE my behind-me neighbours. I worked a night shift and all I wanted to do was sleep, but they decided that they needed to relocate their collection of random car parts for about five hours straight. Awesome. I took a sleeping tablet and put in my ear plugs and eventually got to sleep, but man, you do NOT want to annoy me today cause I'm very short of sleep!
I weighed myself when I got home and when I finally woke up, and lost 1.1kg from one to the other. See? My whole daily cycle has changed. However, I can't get too worried about that, because the on-waking-up weight put me well and truly under barrier I was aiming to get under. Cryptic enough? We'll discuss the hard facts when it's officially weigh-day. Who knows, I might drop another kilo by then!
Another night shift tonight. I have Sunday and Monday off, and as we know, I am going to the gym on Monday come hell or high water. On Sunday the gym is only open for 3 hours - 3:30 - 6:30pm. I could go then, I guess. Maybe I will, actually. Or maybe I will walk my long-suffering dog.
I weighed myself when I got home and when I finally woke up, and lost 1.1kg from one to the other. See? My whole daily cycle has changed. However, I can't get too worried about that, because the on-waking-up weight put me well and truly under barrier I was aiming to get under. Cryptic enough? We'll discuss the hard facts when it's officially weigh-day. Who knows, I might drop another kilo by then!
Another night shift tonight. I have Sunday and Monday off, and as we know, I am going to the gym on Monday come hell or high water. On Sunday the gym is only open for 3 hours - 3:30 - 6:30pm. I could go then, I guess. Maybe I will, actually. Or maybe I will walk my long-suffering dog.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Still ticking
Still no gym, though. I got on the scales on Thursday morning and did not see a 10kg loss overnight. Whyyyyy? I joined a gym, why haven't I lost weight already?
*You have to actually GO to the gym, young lady*
I am going OK though; I have lost a couple of kilos already. My official weigh-in day is Tuesday. I am one of those daily weighers; I think it helps me to see the trends and what my body does. I know, for example, that I 'put on' 2kgs of temporary weight each day which comes off if I get a good sleep. I know that I also retain a bit of fluid the day after heavy exercise. I like knowing that stuff so I can see 'gains' in perspective - imagine if I didn't know these things and weighed in the day after I had almost killed myself exercising. I'd be devastated!
My second-youngest brother graduated high school today. I'm really, really proud of him because he has had a ROUGH year. He's incredibly intelligent, but because of the floods and some family stuff he became clinically depressed and just stopped going to school. Thankfully the school was really supportive of him and he made it through. I went through almost the exact same thing in my final year, but the cause of my depression was that I had been pretty sick for, like, two years constantly before that. And now I'm doing a masters *buffs nails on shirt*, so it can all work out in the end.
Another sodding night shift tonight - 9:30pm - 7:30am. I hatey hate HATE what night shift does to my body: usually I weigh lightest first thing in the morning, but my circadian rhythms have all changed and now I am lightest in the afternoon, at about 2pm. Le sigh.
OK - gym is DEFINITELY Monday. I am sort of scared to go - I really don't know what I'm doing, and although I usually don't give two hoots what people think of me when I'm running (what, they'd prefer I stay on the couch getting even fatter?), I have discussed before that I have a problem with looking stupid. Not knowing how to turn on a treadmill or use the weight machines would qualify me as looking stupid, I think.
I was going to end there, but that sparked a thought - why do I think it would make me look stupid not to know those things, but if someone else didn't know I would just think, "Oh, probably her first time here. I wonder if she needs a hand," and maybe go help her out. Hmmmm. Why do I have to be perfect, but I don't hold others to my standards?
*You have to actually GO to the gym, young lady*
I am going OK though; I have lost a couple of kilos already. My official weigh-in day is Tuesday. I am one of those daily weighers; I think it helps me to see the trends and what my body does. I know, for example, that I 'put on' 2kgs of temporary weight each day which comes off if I get a good sleep. I know that I also retain a bit of fluid the day after heavy exercise. I like knowing that stuff so I can see 'gains' in perspective - imagine if I didn't know these things and weighed in the day after I had almost killed myself exercising. I'd be devastated!
My second-youngest brother graduated high school today. I'm really, really proud of him because he has had a ROUGH year. He's incredibly intelligent, but because of the floods and some family stuff he became clinically depressed and just stopped going to school. Thankfully the school was really supportive of him and he made it through. I went through almost the exact same thing in my final year, but the cause of my depression was that I had been pretty sick for, like, two years constantly before that. And now I'm doing a masters *buffs nails on shirt*, so it can all work out in the end.
Another sodding night shift tonight - 9:30pm - 7:30am. I hatey hate HATE what night shift does to my body: usually I weigh lightest first thing in the morning, but my circadian rhythms have all changed and now I am lightest in the afternoon, at about 2pm. Le sigh.
OK - gym is DEFINITELY Monday. I am sort of scared to go - I really don't know what I'm doing, and although I usually don't give two hoots what people think of me when I'm running (what, they'd prefer I stay on the couch getting even fatter?), I have discussed before that I have a problem with looking stupid. Not knowing how to turn on a treadmill or use the weight machines would qualify me as looking stupid, I think.
I was going to end there, but that sparked a thought - why do I think it would make me look stupid not to know those things, but if someone else didn't know I would just think, "Oh, probably her first time here. I wonder if she needs a hand," and maybe go help her out. Hmmmm. Why do I have to be perfect, but I don't hold others to my standards?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Fat and healthy vs. oh my god.
I worked a night shift last night. On the way home - get this - I joined a GYM. A real gym! I used to go to Curves but I found it soooooooo boring. Eck. Repetitive, crap music, not fun. My local gym has a special this month with a $50 admin fee, then only $20 a month! Bargain!
Speaking of bargains, I got a chair-massager-thing from eBay. It's one of those mats you put on your chair and it massages you with motors. Bad description, I know. Anyway, they retail for $199 and I got it for $30! Another bargain!
I started my food program thingy today. Ahhhhhh. Light PB and toast for breakfast, shepherd's pie and a muesli bar thing for lunch, spag bol for tea, and a tangelo and a vegetable frittata for snacks! My fiance (weird to say that) bought me some strawberries as well so I had those too. My food provides 1500cal per day and according to loose calculations, my BMR means I need about 2600 cals per day - I did not feel bad adding the strawberries. Although I haven't actually been tot he gym, I just went there to join and then went to bed. And now they're closed. I'm going tomorrow - although my running pants have disappeared. Hmm, I'll have to get new ones.
Now the oh my god: I watched this show called Fat Girls and Feeders. It was pretty horrifying. I am all for fat acceptance and loving the skin you're in and the rest, but man, there is NO good reason to deliberately eat yourself to immobility. This one girl, Gina, was married to a man who really wanted to, well, be married to the fattest woman in the world. He managed it; he fed her up to 821 pounds! In Australian, that's 373kgs. She had to be washed by him, her thighs touched a foot and a half down, and she couldn't pull her legs apart for him to even have sex with her. There were these patches of dark, shiny skin that looked dead or about to split. It was awful. The worst bit was I don't think she ever wanted that. She had grown up in Hollywood and was always excluded because she was overweight. She had no self-esteem and then this guy came along and told her she was beautiful. It was so sad - she was watching a video of herself naked and she said, "Well, I don't find it attractive, but he does, so I guess it was for a good reason". Rrrrrr. I know what it feels like to live in a body I don't find attractive, but at least I am not at anybody else's mercy for food, washing and toileting. I just can't see how anyone would ever think it was a good idea to do this to themselves, or someone they loved.
I am thankful that I can take myself in hand (not literally!) and get myself healthy.
Speaking of bargains, I got a chair-massager-thing from eBay. It's one of those mats you put on your chair and it massages you with motors. Bad description, I know. Anyway, they retail for $199 and I got it for $30! Another bargain!
I started my food program thingy today. Ahhhhhh. Light PB and toast for breakfast, shepherd's pie and a muesli bar thing for lunch, spag bol for tea, and a tangelo and a vegetable frittata for snacks! My fiance (weird to say that) bought me some strawberries as well so I had those too. My food provides 1500cal per day and according to loose calculations, my BMR means I need about 2600 cals per day - I did not feel bad adding the strawberries. Although I haven't actually been tot he gym, I just went there to join and then went to bed. And now they're closed. I'm going tomorrow - although my running pants have disappeared. Hmm, I'll have to get new ones.
Now the oh my god: I watched this show called Fat Girls and Feeders. It was pretty horrifying. I am all for fat acceptance and loving the skin you're in and the rest, but man, there is NO good reason to deliberately eat yourself to immobility. This one girl, Gina, was married to a man who really wanted to, well, be married to the fattest woman in the world. He managed it; he fed her up to 821 pounds! In Australian, that's 373kgs. She had to be washed by him, her thighs touched a foot and a half down, and she couldn't pull her legs apart for him to even have sex with her. There were these patches of dark, shiny skin that looked dead or about to split. It was awful. The worst bit was I don't think she ever wanted that. She had grown up in Hollywood and was always excluded because she was overweight. She had no self-esteem and then this guy came along and told her she was beautiful. It was so sad - she was watching a video of herself naked and she said, "Well, I don't find it attractive, but he does, so I guess it was for a good reason". Rrrrrr. I know what it feels like to live in a body I don't find attractive, but at least I am not at anybody else's mercy for food, washing and toileting. I just can't see how anyone would ever think it was a good idea to do this to themselves, or someone they loved.
I am thankful that I can take myself in hand (not literally!) and get myself healthy.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Hairspray
I saw this movie recently with my mum and sister. It's supposed to be a comedy; i spent most of the movie wiping tears away.
Don't worry, I won't spoil the plot if you haven't seen it. Basically most of the characters are fat gals. They are awesome and don't let their weight stop them from doing anything they want, even though the skinny girls hold their weight against them a bit. As I watched Nikki Blonsky dance, the socially-conditioned, critical part of my brain was thinking, "Oh my god, I would never show my arms like that", and "man, I wonder if she thinks she looks stupid doing that". Then I realised: she is having fun. Nikki is no small lady herself, but man, she can dance, and sing, and just have a ball doing it. Maybe she was just acting, maybe she went home and hated seeing herself larger than life on a movie screen, but hey, she looked fucking fantastic doing it.
I was so upset that I have lived my life not doing things I wanted to for fear of looking stupid. Oh, mostly I don't care, and I tried to tell myself that there was nothing I wouldn't do because of my weight. But there are things.
I won't show my arms.
I won't wear a dress.
I would LOVE to take some sort of dancing lessons, but I am secretly afraid those tiny dance teachers would laugh at me for wanting to do what skinny girls do.
I hate confronting people and am not assertive professionally because I don't want people to think of me as the angry fat girl.
I hate making mistakes because if I am perfect in every other way, maybe people won't notice, or won't care as much, that I am fat.
I don't accept the awesome things my body can do; I pick instead on the flaws I perceive.
There is one song called Big, Blonde and Beautiful, that I just adored. It's all about how big girls are hot - "I'm big, blonde, and beautiful. There is nothing 'bout me that's unsuitable", "why sit in the bleachers, timid and afraid when Edna, you look like the whole parade!" and "who wants a twig when you can climb the whole tree?". Another bit in You Can't Stop the Beat goes "You can't stop my happiness cause I like the way I am, and you just can't stop my knife and fork when I see a Christmas ham (I hate that line). And if you don't like the way I look, well, I just don't give a damn..." Every time I sing that bit I get a bit teary because for 24 years, I have given a damn. I have treated myself like a second-class citizen purely because I am fat.
Well, fuck that noise. I am smart. I can run, even though I am carrying some extra weight. I am a good nurse. I am compassionate but I can be phlegmatic when I need to be. I am a really good teacher and all the students I have had have complimented me on the way I teach them stuff without making them feel stupid. I am a really good dog-mum and one day, I'll be a good baby-momma. I can do anything I put my mind to and just because I am big does NOT make me any less worthy. My self-worth should not be inversely proportional to my weight.
I still have to keep reminding myself of this. I think my mental hurdles are a big obstacle to my weight loss. While the diet plan thingy will sort out the practical issues, I have to decide I am worth it. I have to treat myself like someone I want to be around for a long time. I think I can.
Don't worry, I won't spoil the plot if you haven't seen it. Basically most of the characters are fat gals. They are awesome and don't let their weight stop them from doing anything they want, even though the skinny girls hold their weight against them a bit. As I watched Nikki Blonsky dance, the socially-conditioned, critical part of my brain was thinking, "Oh my god, I would never show my arms like that", and "man, I wonder if she thinks she looks stupid doing that". Then I realised: she is having fun. Nikki is no small lady herself, but man, she can dance, and sing, and just have a ball doing it. Maybe she was just acting, maybe she went home and hated seeing herself larger than life on a movie screen, but hey, she looked fucking fantastic doing it.
I was so upset that I have lived my life not doing things I wanted to for fear of looking stupid. Oh, mostly I don't care, and I tried to tell myself that there was nothing I wouldn't do because of my weight. But there are things.
I won't show my arms.
I won't wear a dress.
I would LOVE to take some sort of dancing lessons, but I am secretly afraid those tiny dance teachers would laugh at me for wanting to do what skinny girls do.
I hate confronting people and am not assertive professionally because I don't want people to think of me as the angry fat girl.
I hate making mistakes because if I am perfect in every other way, maybe people won't notice, or won't care as much, that I am fat.
I don't accept the awesome things my body can do; I pick instead on the flaws I perceive.
There is one song called Big, Blonde and Beautiful, that I just adored. It's all about how big girls are hot - "I'm big, blonde, and beautiful. There is nothing 'bout me that's unsuitable", "why sit in the bleachers, timid and afraid when Edna, you look like the whole parade!" and "who wants a twig when you can climb the whole tree?". Another bit in You Can't Stop the Beat goes "You can't stop my happiness cause I like the way I am, and you just can't stop my knife and fork when I see a Christmas ham (I hate that line). And if you don't like the way I look, well, I just don't give a damn..." Every time I sing that bit I get a bit teary because for 24 years, I have given a damn. I have treated myself like a second-class citizen purely because I am fat.
Well, fuck that noise. I am smart. I can run, even though I am carrying some extra weight. I am a good nurse. I am compassionate but I can be phlegmatic when I need to be. I am a really good teacher and all the students I have had have complimented me on the way I teach them stuff without making them feel stupid. I am a really good dog-mum and one day, I'll be a good baby-momma. I can do anything I put my mind to and just because I am big does NOT make me any less worthy. My self-worth should not be inversely proportional to my weight.
I still have to keep reminding myself of this. I think my mental hurdles are a big obstacle to my weight loss. While the diet plan thingy will sort out the practical issues, I have to decide I am worth it. I have to treat myself like someone I want to be around for a long time. I think I can.
I am who I am
I'm 24. I have put on 15.5kgs since late May/early June after flooding left us living in the shed with no fridge or oven, eating shitty takeaway for almost every meal. I was no small lass to start with, so the last thing I needed was to put weight on again.
Tomorrow I am getting a delivery of a popular frozen meal/diet system thingy that starts with L. I was on this program prior to the floods, and I found it worked pretty well for me. Removing the process of thinking "What am I going to have for dinner?" stopped me from running through all the unhealthy options in my head, and also stopped me from going to Coles every day and impulse-buying boatloads of crap. I really missed my healthy food while in the flood-imposed exile.
I am a new grad nurse coming to the end of my first year of nursing, and I have been realising how hard my weight makes my job. I have plantar fasciitis anyway, and the extra weight is causing me absolute agony. I hate looking lazy at work, but I just cannot stay standing for eight or ten hours without having a break for my feet. I need to lose weight. I am also applying for jobs for next year in ICU, and I hate the idea that employers would look at me and think, "She coldn't run fast enough to get to a code, we won't hire her".
In fact, I do run. After spending my entire primary and high school careers avoiding having to run, I have discovered I really enjoy it (on my terms, though). I love when I am fit enough to just be running along and not be thinking, "Okay, breathe in... and out, and in, and out... you won't die... just to the next corner...". My dog loves it too. I really do enjoy it; why, then, haven't I gone for a run for over a month?
To add to the noble causes of, "I want to be healthy, I want to free myself of this pain, I want to ensure my weight doesn't interfere with my ability to be a good nurse", I just got engaged (yesterday, after a seven-year relationship with the boy) and I absolutely dread, dread, DREAD the idea of being under the spotlight at a wedding (or even the engagement party in two months!) while I am this uncomfortable with my body.
So I am blogging again. I was fattyemma from Emma Getting Skinny, but I deleted that blog. I don't really know why; at the time I was barrelling along well, losing weight, getting fitter, happy. Maybe I decided I didn't need the support any more... I do though. I need the confessional aspect and the community of losers!
Tomorrow I am getting a delivery of a popular frozen meal/diet system thingy that starts with L. I was on this program prior to the floods, and I found it worked pretty well for me. Removing the process of thinking "What am I going to have for dinner?" stopped me from running through all the unhealthy options in my head, and also stopped me from going to Coles every day and impulse-buying boatloads of crap. I really missed my healthy food while in the flood-imposed exile.
I am a new grad nurse coming to the end of my first year of nursing, and I have been realising how hard my weight makes my job. I have plantar fasciitis anyway, and the extra weight is causing me absolute agony. I hate looking lazy at work, but I just cannot stay standing for eight or ten hours without having a break for my feet. I need to lose weight. I am also applying for jobs for next year in ICU, and I hate the idea that employers would look at me and think, "She coldn't run fast enough to get to a code, we won't hire her".
In fact, I do run. After spending my entire primary and high school careers avoiding having to run, I have discovered I really enjoy it (on my terms, though). I love when I am fit enough to just be running along and not be thinking, "Okay, breathe in... and out, and in, and out... you won't die... just to the next corner...". My dog loves it too. I really do enjoy it; why, then, haven't I gone for a run for over a month?
To add to the noble causes of, "I want to be healthy, I want to free myself of this pain, I want to ensure my weight doesn't interfere with my ability to be a good nurse", I just got engaged (yesterday, after a seven-year relationship with the boy) and I absolutely dread, dread, DREAD the idea of being under the spotlight at a wedding (or even the engagement party in two months!) while I am this uncomfortable with my body.
So I am blogging again. I was fattyemma from Emma Getting Skinny, but I deleted that blog. I don't really know why; at the time I was barrelling along well, losing weight, getting fitter, happy. Maybe I decided I didn't need the support any more... I do though. I need the confessional aspect and the community of losers!
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