Hairspray

I saw this movie recently with my mum and sister. It's supposed to be a comedy; i spent most of the movie wiping tears away.

Don't worry, I won't spoil the plot if you haven't seen it. Basically most of the characters are fat gals. They are awesome and don't let their weight stop them from doing anything they want, even though the skinny girls hold their weight against them a bit. As I watched Nikki Blonsky dance, the socially-conditioned, critical part of my brain was thinking, "Oh my god, I would never show my arms like that", and "man, I wonder if she thinks she looks stupid doing that". Then I realised: she is having fun. Nikki is no small lady herself, but man, she can dance, and sing, and just have a ball doing it. Maybe she was just acting, maybe she went home and hated seeing herself larger than life on a movie screen, but hey, she looked fucking fantastic doing it.

I was so upset that I have lived my life not doing things I wanted to for fear of looking stupid. Oh, mostly I don't care, and I tried to tell myself that there was nothing I wouldn't do because of my weight. But there are things.

I won't show my arms.

I won't wear a dress.

I would LOVE to take some sort of dancing lessons, but I am secretly afraid those tiny dance teachers would laugh at me for wanting to do what skinny girls do.

I hate confronting people and am not assertive professionally because I don't want people to think of me as the angry fat girl.

I hate making mistakes because if I am perfect in every other way, maybe people won't notice, or won't care as much, that I am fat.

I don't accept the awesome things my body can do; I pick instead on the flaws I perceive.


There is one song called Big, Blonde and Beautiful, that I just adored. It's all about how big girls are hot - "I'm big, blonde, and beautiful. There is nothing 'bout me that's unsuitable", "why sit in the bleachers, timid and afraid when Edna, you look like the whole parade!" and "who wants a twig when you can climb the whole tree?". Another bit in You Can't Stop the Beat goes "You can't stop my happiness cause I like the way I am, and you just can't stop my knife and fork when I see a Christmas ham (I hate that line). And if you don't like the way I look, well, I just don't give a damn..." Every time I sing that bit I get a bit teary because for 24 years, I have given a damn. I have treated myself like a second-class citizen purely because I am fat.

Well, fuck that noise. I am smart. I can run, even though I am carrying some extra weight. I am a good nurse. I am compassionate but I can be phlegmatic when I need to be. I am a really good teacher and all the students I have had have complimented me on the way I teach them stuff without making them feel stupid. I am a really good dog-mum and one day, I'll be a good baby-momma. I can do anything I put my mind to and just because I am big does NOT make me any less worthy. My self-worth should not be inversely proportional to my weight.

I still have to keep reminding myself of this. I think my mental hurdles are a big obstacle to my weight loss. While the diet plan thingy will sort out the practical issues, I have to decide I am worth it. I have to treat myself like someone I want to be around for a long time. I think I can.