I am who I am

I'm 24. I have put on 15.5kgs since late May/early June after flooding left us living in the shed with no fridge or oven, eating shitty takeaway for almost every meal. I was no small lass to start with, so the last thing I needed was to put weight on again.

Tomorrow I am getting a delivery of a popular frozen meal/diet system thingy that starts with L. I was on this program prior to the floods, and I found it worked pretty well for me. Removing the process of thinking "What am I going to have for dinner?" stopped me from running through all the unhealthy options in my head, and also stopped me from going to Coles every day and impulse-buying boatloads of crap. I really missed my healthy food while in the flood-imposed exile.

I am a new grad nurse coming to the end of my first year of nursing, and I have been realising how hard my weight makes my job. I have plantar fasciitis anyway, and the extra weight is causing me absolute agony. I hate looking lazy at work, but I just cannot stay standing for eight or ten hours without having a break for my feet. I need to lose weight. I am also applying for jobs for next year in ICU, and I hate the idea that employers would look at me and think, "She coldn't run fast enough to get to a code, we won't hire her".

In fact, I do run. After spending my entire primary and high school careers avoiding having to run, I have discovered I really enjoy it (on my terms, though). I love when I am fit enough to just be running along and not be thinking, "Okay, breathe in... and out, and in, and out... you won't die... just to the next corner...". My dog loves it too. I really do enjoy it; why, then, haven't I gone for a run for over a month?

To add to the noble causes of, "I want to be healthy, I want to free myself of this pain, I want to ensure my weight doesn't interfere with my ability to be a good nurse", I just got engaged (yesterday, after a seven-year relationship with the boy) and I absolutely dread, dread, DREAD the idea of being under the spotlight at a wedding (or even the engagement party in two months!) while I am this uncomfortable with my body.

So I am blogging again. I was fattyemma from Emma Getting Skinny, but I deleted that blog. I don't really know why; at the time I was barrelling along well, losing weight, getting fitter, happy. Maybe I decided I didn't need the support any more... I do though. I need the confessional aspect and the community of losers!